February 08, 2013

Secret lover

Roughly (slash exactly) two months ago I sent a text message to my exboyfriend that read, "I think we should secretly get back together." His response was, "Are you drunk?" But I was not drunk, and we did secretly get back together. We got back together because love or whatever. And we did it secretly because our break up had been a mess in the worst possible way. A lot of people have very negative opinions of him because of that mess. So I did not want to deal with anyone else weighing in on the reunion until it was clear that it was really going to stick.

It seems like an odd concept, to secretly date someone. But I so preferred it. I didn't have to hang out with his friends and try to impress them. Or pretend that I like the annoying ones. I didn't have to invite him to everything that I did. My friends didn't have to pretend to like him, and I didn't have to listen to their unwanted opinions. I never had to answer questions like, "Where's your boyfriend?" I could have conversations about things besides my love life (because I was pretending I just didn't have one.) And I still got all of the perks of having a boyfriend.

Now that it's clear that it's going to stick, I'm supposed to tell people about it. (He is not a fan of the secretive bit. His best friend has known about it the whole time, contrary to my explicit instructions not to tell even him.) A few of my friends have been informed, briefly, about our renewed relationship. But I am dreading the way full publicity will change my life outside of him. My conversations with people are going to be about him too often, and if my life was a movie, it'd suddenly fail the Bechdel test. And people will always wonder about my other half, even if only briefly. I will be considered part of a whole, rather than whole by myself.

It was nice to have the private aspects of a relationship without the public aspects. And if I had an alcoholic beverage in my hand, I would raise a toast to the glory that it was. To secret relationships!


  1. I think I would do better in a secret relationship, but I wouldn't want it to stay completely secret. In the past, after everyone was aware that I had a boyfriend, they wanted to talk about JUST that. It was annoying, so I grew tired of the relationship altogether. Time after time after time. Now I just... well, I couldn't really care less about being in a relationship. :x Blah.

    I hope that coming out goes well for you!

  2. I've been in a secret relationship before and it's just not something I'm cut out for. It was the only thing that worked in that situation though, which was a major indicator of several red flags I wasn't willing (or couldn't?) face at the time. But that's a whole different story...

  3. I don't see anything wrong with secret relationships given the situation and in my opinion, the relationship doesn't have to be public. Keep it between you and the lover. Besides, there's no third party involved in one's monogamous relationship, so why have it public to begin with? Formalities, I guess.

  4. I think relationships are better in secret. A relationship is for 2 people, not for everyone else too! I haven't been in a secret relationship, though, so I can't really speak from experience. Although if your boyfriend isn't a fan of being secretive, then it probably was a good choice to change it! :) I'm sure I'd feel offended if my boyfriend wanted our entire relationship to be secret. It's like, "am I not good enough for people to know you like me?!" haha ;x

  5. I hope that things work out better this time! I always hated the fact that couples were always thought of as one entity instead of two people who happen to be a couple, which is a shame, really. What's wrong with not bring your boyfriend to social outings if you're hanging out with your friends? A relationship works when two parts work together. It takes two, not one! (And I shall stop ranting about that aspect of a social life now.)

  6. It is so weird that I just talked about this with my best friend while she was over last night... We weren't discussing secret relationships per se, but discussing relationships as two people who have separate independent lives of their own but also spend the majority of their time together in a relationship. And this is what your secret relationship sounds like to me! It sounds totally healthy!

    As we're growing older I feel like that's what relationships are supposed to be like if they work in the long run. It's bizarre that most people like to idealize relationships as two people becoming one unit. And you end up mingling with friends constantly as one unit and I feel like that's one of the major reasons why my last relationship just broke down… Not enough time being our own person.


  7. I know what you mean about all the questions. I'm pretty private however, so no matter how many times my friends hound me, they only get the basics. That's how I'd like to keep it!

  8. Aha this is great! I would have kept having it be a secret! When my best friend got a boyfriend she didn't even talk me about it and when I did find out, she said it's not important. I would think she meant it's not important that I know, which is so true. Having a boyfriend is her own life, and as long as she's happy, not sharing it is great. And I say the same for you. :)

  9. I have this issue in relationships as well (I'm not PART OF YOU, we're just spending a lot of time together and kissing and stuff). I think I've found the best thing to do is to stand up for yourself. If someone brings up the topic a lot, change the subject a lot. If they still persist, just say, hey, look, he's not my life, he's just a significant part of it. Let's talk about books instead.

    As for the negativity... I get that a lot too, especially since my boyfriend and I had a lot of troubles and misunderstandings at the beginning. In the end, it's your life, and you don't actually have to give anyone else an explanation. :) They'll see, over time, that this is good for you. In the meantime, you get to share as much or as little as you'd like.

    Good luck, hope it turns out awesome this time :)